The Antok Killer

forwarded...

Erap dreamed that he died and went to heaven. St. Peter gave him Ai-ai delas Alas as partner, saying, 'Kung mabait ka sana , mas maganda ang partner mo.' Erap saw Chavit with Gretchen Barretto and said, 'Bakit si Chavit, mas madaming kasalanan, si Gretchen ang partner?' St. Peter: Iho, parusa yan kay Gretchen. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------- Why did Erap shoot his wife when he bought a house? Because the contract reads: 'Execute all 3 copies together with your wife...' ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- - Ano ang nagpasikat kay Erap? Wristband. Ano ang magpapayaman kay Abalos? Broadband. Ano ang magpapabagsak kay GMA? Husband! ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- - Pari nagmimisa: sino sa inyo ang may kagalit?? Taass kamay lahat pwera sa isang matandang babae Pari: si lola lang ang walang kagalit... ano edad nyo lola?? Lola: 93 anyos. Pari: tingnan nyo si lola.. 93 na pero walang kagalit!! Lola bakit wala kayong kagalit??? Lola: PATAY na ang mga WALANGHIYA!! ! ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- - Atty: Ano?? idedemanda mo boss mo ng sexual harrassment! !! dahil lang sa sinabihan kang mabango ang buhok mo!!!ano masama dun??? Girl: your honor, UNANO!!! ang boss ko.. UNANO!!! (patok 'tong joke na 'to....UNANO ba naman....cguro kung MIDGET ung boss hindi magrereklamo Girl....hehehe! !!) ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ Anak: tay penge pera, bili ako ng sucherya!!! Tatay: umayos ka nga!!! kakahiya ka!! baka may makarinig. hindi sucherya tawag dun... Anak: ano po?? Tatay: JUMPFUDS!!! ------------ --------- ---- JUAN; Tay ! Penge P20 bibili ako ng de lata. TATAY: Anak, mga taga bukid lang ang gumagamit ng term na de lata! Englisin mo yan! JUAN: Paano? TATAY: KANG GUD! ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------- Juan: pare, nsusuka ko kaya lang hindi ako masuka. Pedro: madali lang yun pare, sundot mo tonsil mo. (sinundot ang tonsil) Juan: hindi pa din eh Pedro: try mo sundot puwet mo. (sinundot ang pwet) Juan: ayaw pa din eh.. Pedro: ngayon ska mo isundot ulit sa bibig mo. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------- A mental patient singing while lying in a hospital bed, after a song dumapa siya. The nurse asked: O bakit ka bumaliktad?? He answered: Adik ka ba??? Side B na kaya!!! ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -- Job interview Boss: Why should we hire you? Tikyo: Mas mabuti po ang bagong tulad ko dahil wala pang sungay. Boss: English please. Tikyo: Well, you see, uh, I'm brand new so I'm not yet horny! ----------------------------------------------------- BF: sunduin kita mamaya,bubusina nalang ako kapag nasa harap na ng bahay nyo GF: Wow de-kotse ka na pala, anong klase dadalhin mo? BF: Wala, busina lang ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- Pinoy coping mechanism at work! A: Magkano po ang tinola? M: 20 lang. A: May sabaw? M: Libre na ang sabaw namin. A: Kanin, meron? M: 5 lang. A: May tutong? M: Libre na. A: Sige manong, tutong at sabaw nga! ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- Great signs! 1. Gynecologist - Dr. Chua at your cervix. 2. Septic tank truck - Yesterday's meals on wheels. 3. Plumber's office - We repair what your husband fixed. 4. Tire shop - Invite us to your next blowout. 5. Electrical shop - Let us remove your shorts. 6. Maternity room door - Push, push, push! 7. Optometrist' s clinic - If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ Inspirational quote that we must always remember: kung kaya ng iba... pagawa mo sa kanila... dont force yourself.. make your life easy!!! ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ Three reasons why laughing is good for your health: 1. Your heart - laughing lowers your blood pressure while increasing the amount of oxygen carried in your blood. 2. Your lungs - a deep belly laugh is like an internal aerobic workout, helping you breath more efficiently. 3. Your anxiety level - laughing lowers levels of the stress hormone cortisol, reducing tension. So take time to laugh even at the corniest joke!